Rating: PG13
Spoiler: S1-S4, minor spoiler for "You're Welcome" (just some quotes).
Summary: Once upon a time, Angel thought himself to be a hero...
Timeline: Set during "You're Welcome" -- well, kind of.
Note: Inspired by Sanzo from Saiyuki and his philosophy on life.
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Once upon a time, Angel thought himself to be a hero. A bit difficult to do after being the Scourge of Europe and eating rats in the gutter for most of his life, but he managed.
When he first laid eyes on Buffy, he knew he had a mission and a purpose. Helping the Slayer gave him a sense of belonging; he was on the good side now, slaying demons and stopping apocalypses. Until he lost his soul and soon after, lost Buffy.
Doyle and Cordelia became the pillars that held up Angel’s fragile world and the vampire did everything he could to protect them, to keep them with him. Apparently, everything wasn’t enough as he lost Doyle after only a few months. He didn’t even get to know when the half-demon’s birthday was. That night, after viewing the commercial Doyle and Cordelia had attempted to make, Angel made a decision: he was not going to die for anyone, not because of selfishness, but because he knew how it felt to be the one left behind. No one could go on and enjoy life knowing that it was stained red.
Just as Angel felt his world was tipping over, Wesley came along and replaced the empty space left in Doyle’s death. His world was once again balanced, as much as it could be when he was living the life of a demon-slaying champion/private investigator.
Slowly, more members were added to his family – as he affectionately referred to them – Gunn, Lorne and Fred had proven to be wonderful during battles and everyday lives, but never quite managed to make it to the “pillar” status. That was a status reserved for those who knew his demon side and could accept it without flinching whenever Angel vamped out or drank blood.
So it was a bit of a surprise for Angel to lose Wesley and Cordelia within the span of a little over a year. His world had come tumbling down without a preamble and it was then that Angel realized that maybe he wasn’t the hero he thought he was.
Granted, he didn’t feel much like a hero when he locked the lawyers in with Darla and Dru nor did he feel much like one when he tried to smother Wesley with a pillow, but the feeling was still rooted deep within him. An innate knowledge that after all that had passed, he would still be a hero – fighting the good fight and so on.
Yet now, after losing so many people in his life, Angel began to wonder. How could he be a champion when he couldn’t even protect the ones he loved? When people were constantly leaving him behind or dying to keep him alive?
As the limo carried him away from the son he had wished for over the past century, Angel made another decision. He wanted someone who didn’t need his protection, who could be strong enough to live and fight because he or she didn’t want to leave Angel behind. He wanted someone to love and hold and wake up next to without the fear of losing the person tomorrow.
News of Spike’s death washed over Angel like a tidal wave of holy water and when Spike materialized before his eyes, Angel’s first reaction was anger. Rage at his childe for being so careless as to leave the world without saying goodbye. Discovering that Spike was incorporeal was harder to swallow than month-old pig’s blood, but then a mystery envelope fixed that problem.
Now there was someone Angel could love without worries of losing – Spike had come back from death and Angel had returned from hell. A perfect match in strength and willingness to survive, and they had both did the self-sacrificing acts too many times to bother repeating it.
“The fail-safe's meant for me. I'm not gonna risk anybody I care about.” And couldn’t protect themselves. Angel kept the last part to himself, it wasn’t their fault that they would leave his life soon or later.
“I’ll go.” Spike’s voice cut through Angel’s thoughts and the blonde’s quick reply told Angel that he got the underlying message.
“Okay.” With a tiny smile and secretive gleam in his eyes, Angel agreed. Spike won’t need his protection; they both understand what it was like to be abandoned by someone who proclaimed to be “doing this for the best”.
Together, they were perfect.
~ END ~